Out-of-control wild child being ignored by texting/talking/overly indulgent parents in public? When the sweet little dervish comes begging for your attention, ply him with sugar, caffeine or alcohol before sending him/her back to Mummy. It may take a village, but we’re not even the same tribe.
Auntie took some of her own advice this week…
In a communication impasse/failure with a friend/lover/potential enemy? Avoid permanent estrangement, and before firing off that curt and sassy email/text/instant message, start communicating by simply using your voice in real time. Polite, honest, face-to-face interaction might be quaint and old school, but it is a time-tested means of permanent détente at home and abroad.
Just the hint this week–no need for any sort of explanation:
Afraid of looking old in your lover’s eyes? Until Auntie gets over her fear of cosmetic surgery, she has easily solved this worry—she simply limits her dates/fiancé/ husbands to men who wear glasses. Think of Clark Kent and Superman. Sexy and strong. More to the point, nearly everyone looks better in an unfocused fog.
Nearly one week has passed since we said Happy 2014–but what has happened to those resolutions? Auntie has a solution!
Here’s Helpful Hint #247:
Auntie recommends that all of her dear friends refrain from making any New Year resolutions. Make a resolution not to do any such thing. Instead, why not take great joy in completing the simplest of tasks that you smashingly perform every day? Give yourself a gold star for hitting the snooze button—a smiley face for wearing matching shoes—and a new piece of jewelry (or a ticket to the Super Bowl) for expertly popping the cork from a champagne bottle.
Happy Happy and Merry Merry–Now, from Auntie’s original dozen Helpful Hints…here’s a sure-fire way to enjoy every soiree: Tell the small-talk challenged guests you’re psychic, and watch what happens! Give free holiday readings to all party-goers. No, you don’t have to really be psychic. You can usually say something like, ” You’ve been somewhat frustrated by your work and feel that if given the chance, you could bring quite a bit more creativity into the mix.” Or you could knowingly nod and say, “people don’t always know how thoughtful you really are, do they?”
It has come to Auntie’s attention that not everyone can rattle off the names of friends (and even family members) when making introductions–So, here’s Helpful Hint #241:
Mistakenly call your current amour the name of a past love? Avoid this difficult situation by dubbing your partner with a nickname/endearment—something along the lines of, “baby, sexy, honey, or Jack/Liz/Don.” No need to explain—simply offer a salacious wink and tell your sweetie that this new nickname (or whatever word pops out of your smiling mouth) just suits them ever so much better than their given name.
It has recently come to Auntie’s attention that her cultural literacy may have slipped a bit–and in her effort to educate herself about the current crop of crass insults hurled around for the sake of humor–she was reminded of Helpful Hint #140: